(SPOILER WARNING!! (kind of))
While I retain the opinion that these films have not withstood the test of time, an argument could be made for the fourth film, "Age Of Extinction", as the most tolerable one. That's not to say it's a good movie, as there is plenty wrong with it; the editing is all over the place, the pacing is terrible, Shane was an awful character, Galvatron was virtually a non-entity, and the Dinobots are completely deprived of any personality while existing solely for the sake of action scenes.
With that said, there are elements of the film that I feel still hold up to this day; the acting across the board was solid (especially Stanley Tucci and Kelsey Grammer), the effects were still top notch, most of the human characters were much more likeable than in the previous films, Lockdown was a good villain, the new Autobots had a lot of charm, and it introduced concepts that hadn't really been explored in the Transformers films before that point. The most notable example being how human beings react to the presence of the Transformers and how the war had affected the lives of everyone on the planet. If the film had coalesced on that theme and explored it through both the humans and the Autobots perspective, then the critical reception to it wouldn't have been so vitriolic.
But of course, I'm not here to talk about what we eventually got as the finished product; I'm here to bring my version of the story to light.
Here are a few rules that I set for myself going into this rewrite:
1. This can not be following on from my rewrite of "Dark Of The Moon". As proud as I am for doing that rewrite, I can't treat that as the canon version of the films; I have to create a new version of "Age Of Extinction" following the events of the previous films proper without an abundance of retcons.
2. I must keep the general concepts and themes of the original version of the film consistent with my rewrite. As I stated earlier, the general theme of humanity fearing the Transformers because of their war as well as using their technology to defend themselves from alien threats is a fascinating one. My rewrite will moreso focus on those themes than the film did.
3. I have to provide the reasons for my changes in the rewrite without treating the original writers as idiots. As much as I may want to, I need to avoid constantly insulting the original writer for "Age Of Extinction", Ehren Krueger, for the choices he made with the script. I will criticise those choices, but that isn't the same thing as deriding the person who was simply doing his job as a writer.
With those rules out of the way, let's begin with some of the smaller changes I'm making to the story:
1. The Human Cast:
Starting off with the humans, some of the cast will remain mostly the same. Cade Yeager will still be a down-on-his-luck farmer, with Tessa as his daughter as they live in serious debt. The only change I'd make to Cade is that he'll be a self-taught engineer instead of an inventor. He can still find abandoned pieces of tech (hence how he finds Optimus in his truck mode), but he mostly does commission work from people who need their equipment fixed. Tessa will also remain mostly the same, but I'd take out the interactions between her and Cade that specifically draw attention to her wardrobe; she'll mainly be wearing dungarees and t-shirts instead of dresses and short shorts.
Otherwise we'll still have Kelsey Grammer as the main antagonist, Titus Welliver as his primary henchman/enforcer, and Stanley Tucci as the eccentric CEO of a lucrative business. But the first change I'm making with the villains is that the CEO of the business shown in the story won't be called Joshua Joyce; he'll instead be another character called G.B Blackrock.
For those unfamiliar, Blackrock is a human ally to the Autobots from the original Marvel run of the Transformers comics. He's the owner of Blackrock Enterprises, a multi-platform conglomerate that primarily focuses on technological advancements. This may seem like a small change, but it actually factors a lot into his characterisation. On the surface, Joyce and Blackrock are seemingly the same; eccentric businessmen who focus mainly on advancing technology. The difference, however, is that Joyce mainly focuses on the aspect of technology being what's necessary for the company to thrive, whereas Blackrock is moreso concerned about the wellbeing of the people who work for him. In the original comics, an employee of his named Josie Beller (who would later become the villain Circuit Breaker) was left hospitalised after a Decepticon attack and the event actually traumatised Blackrock for a while. This will pretty much be his characterisation for the film; he's not selfish or anything, just overly ambitious to use Cybertronian technology as a means of helping mankind. He doesn't hate the Transformers, but sees an opportunity to help people as much as he can.
As for Titus Welliver, I feel like casting him as a mercenary henchman was really a good choice as the guy can be really intimidating. But I want him to be a legacy character from somewhere in the Transformers franchise; as such, I've decided on a character called Leland Bishop, A.K.A Silas.
Silas is a relatively new character in the Transformers mythos, specifically from "Transformers: Prime"; he was the leader of the terrorist organisation called M.E.C.H, who would frequently encounter the Transformers during their war to try and create their own weapons using Cybertronian technology. As such, with Titus now playing Silas instead of James Savoy, the organisation hunting down Transformers, Cemetery Wind, will be replaced by M.E.C.H with Silas working directly under Kelsey Grammer's character. It honestly makes more sense to do that instead of simply disbanding N.E.S.T and suddenly introducing Cemetery Wind as the opposite. M.E.C.H will be a mercenary group specifically put together by Grammer and Silas to hunt down the Transformers to use their technology for profit, which also helps in keeping the group separated from the government, although Grammer's character would have his own ulterior motives.
Speaking of which, his role will remain mostly the same; a CIA operative who takes it upon himself to hunt the Transformers down using a para-military force. However, he won't be called Harold Attinger nor will he have the same motivation. There is nothing specifically wrong with that name, but I feel like there is a missed opportunity to show some respect the original series while updating it a little bit. Thus, instead of Harold Attinger, Kelsey Grammer will be playing the character of Lord Chumley.
Chumley was a character introduced in the original cartoon; he's a hunter who has an unhealthy obsession with tracking down and capturing Autobots. More specifically, he wants the head of Optimus Prime. For this rewrite, Chumley (whose first name will be Thurston in reference to the Rescue Bots character) will be a Vietnam veteran who has seen his fair share of conflict and bloodshed. Instead of suffering from some kind of trauma, however, he will have adopted an unhealthy mindset of preserving the greatest prey in his own personal collection; this would include the likes of ancient artefacts and the skins of now extinct animals. He can specifically put M.E.C.H together and hire Silas to lead them, because now he wants to hunt down Optimus as the greatest prize in his collection.
For the rest of the human cast, a large chunk of them will be completely cut from the story. T.J Miller's character, Lucas Flannery? Gone. I didn't find him funny and he ultimately proved to be pointless to the narrative; he dies and is forgotten about shortly after. We'll also say goodbye to Sophia Miles' character, Darcy Tyril, as she serves very little purpose other than to be the British lady associated with Stanley Tucci's character. We'll keep Li Bingbing's character, Su Yuemeng, and have her fill Darcy's role instead; it helps to trim the fat that way. But the main character I'm getting rid of is Shane Dyson, played by Jack Reynor.
Fuck this guy. Fuck ALL of this guy. He's cowardly, selfish, condescending, and virtually useless. The only reason that this character exists is solely to add more drama between Cade and Tessa, which was not needed as there was already friction between the father and daughter due to the former not allowing the latter to date so she can focus on her studies, as well as how he tries to use his inventions to make money instead of getting a job; this is more than enough. There are also a lot of negative connotations with Shane, as he is a 20 year old dating a 17 year old woman, which gets a lot of attention with how he is holding a fucking STATUTE of all things in his wallet that basically says "they can date because they did in high school", which is not how the statute actually works. Here's the actual statute if you want further info.
In short; fuck Shane, we don't need him.
Otherwise, we can still keep the core cast of Cade and Tessa Yeager, with Chumley and Silas as the villains, and G.B Blackrock as something of a deuteragonist while Su Yuemeng is his secretary/bodyguard. This heavily narrows the cast down while helping to keep the narrative focused. There can also be a line thrown in about what happened to Sam and Carly; they could be imprisoned, or Bumblebee could've left Sam for his own protection, or maybe Silas killed them when they refused to give up the whereabouts of the Autobots. Regardless of the reason, none of the original human characters will make an appearance in my rewrite. The less Shia LaBeouf we have in these films, the better off we will be.
2. The Autobots.
This where we getter bigger changes in the cast, with the most major alterations being with the Autobots themselves. I don't mind the idea of Optimus being found by Cade and Tessa, and the sub-plot of him distrusting humanity was a neat idea; the scene where Cade compares Optimus' spark to a human soul helps the audience like Cade, as he doesn't just instantly treat the Transformers as heartless war machines. The only real change I would make is that Optimus wouldn't say stuff like "I'll kill you" at the top of his lungs, and he wouldn't be as bloodthirsty as he is in the original version of the film; he'll just be more melancholic and uncertain about whether to keep his faith in humanity with all that he and his Autobots have sacrificed only for it to be thrown back in their faces. This is a much more tangible character arc for Optimus and gives us the chance to finally sympathise with the human characters instead of dreading them every time they appear on screen.
And starting with the rest of the Autobots; Bumblebee will be almost completely unaltered. He didn't have a lot to do in the movie anyways, so there isn't much to change; the only thing is that instead of a Camaro I'd have Bumblebee adopt a Volkswagen Beetle Dune alt mode.
It's still a modern yellow sports car, but it would help to make Bumblebee more recognisable as the character due to his origins of disguising himself as a Volkswagen car. Besides, we see the likes of Optimus, Hound, Ratchet and Drift change their alt modes or colours anyway, so it would make sense to change his appearance to better hide from human eyes. Also, he'll be able to talk in this one. I never liked the whole "speaking through the radio" gimmick in these movies, so we can just say that in between films Bumblebee's voice was fixed. He'll be voiced by Dylan O'Brien.
As for the rest of the Autobot cast, the changes will be moreso be in the line-up as we could really do with less Autobots who just turn into cars. The only things I'll be keeping from the original film is a few members of the voice cast.
First off, we have a personal favourite of mine; Warpath.
He'll more or less fill the same role as Hound did in the movie; the big, burly Autobot who loves a good brawl with the Decepticons. He'll even be voiced by John Goodman, same as Hound was. The main difference is that this personality is actually really fitting for Warpath, seeing as how that has always been his characterisation across the different Transformers media. I never really liked how Hound, the hologram-wielding explorer with a love for humanity, was turned into the gun-totting Ironhide surrogate in the movies. Thus, having Warpath instead of Hound fixes that issue while keeping the same idea for the character. He'll also have his traditional "BAM! POW! ZOWEE!" onomatopoeia speech that is a defining trait for the character. Besides, having an Autobot as a tank helps to give a little variety.
Next, in the original cast, there was the Autobot paratrooper Crosshairs, voiced by John DiMaggio doing a terrible Jason Statham impersonation. Unfortunately, we don't really get much from him. He's just another trigger-happy Autobot who doesn't like humans. Those are a dime-a-dozen in these films, so he doesn't really feel unique. So instead, let's get an Autobot who actually likes humanity and wants to see them prosper.
And with that, I've decided on a character called Beachcomber.
Beachcomber's deal is that he is a pacifistic geologist, always having issues with having to fight Decepticons in general. I choose him specifically, because it would make a good contrast with so many other Autobots in these films who are violent psychos with finger on the trigger. Beachcomber isn't a fighter nor does he harbour any hatred towards humans; in fact, Beachcomber in my version of the story can still hold faith that humanity do better than the other Autobots believe they can do. One of the Autobots could ridicule him for his idealism, but Beachcomber could then give a passionate speech about his belief which, in turn, could inspire Optimus to restore his faith again. Faith in people is another theme in the original film, and I really liked that idea so I'm carrying that over to my rewrite.
And as a personal aside, I would have him voiced by Steve Blum, because it's my rewrite and I can do whatever the Hell I want.
And finally we get to both the biggest and the smallest change to the Autobot cast in my version of the story. In the original version we have Drift, a triple-changing, sword-wielding Autobot who spouts haikus, calls Optimus Prime "sensei", is directly designed after a traditional Samurai, and is voiced by Ken Watanabe to really drive the Japanese stereotype home.
And while I was watching the film, the same question kept popping into my head; instead of Drift, why couldn't he be Springer?
And this is what I mean by this being the smallest and the biggest change, as Springer fills the same functional role as Drift; he's a triple-changing Autobot who mainly wields a sword. But instead of just being a stereotype of a Japanese person, Springer will be something of a thrill-seeking action hero. He's always rushing into battle with a cocky bravado and has a one-liner for virtually any situation. And since he shares so many similarities with the Star Wars character Han Solo, it's only appropriate that in my version of the story, he would be voiced by Harrison Ford.
Then of course, there is the biggest stars in terms of the marketing:
3. The Dinobots.
Firstly, I wouldn't have them be prisoners aboard Lockdown's ship; it seems really stupid to me that a Transformer who is a fraction of the Dinobots size took down not just one, but ALL of them down pretty much singlehandedly. Secondly, they will have actual personalities and voices; Grimlock is the hot-headed leader who thrives in battle, Swoop is the good-natured spirit who likes having friends, Slug is a surly battle-freak who fights dirty, Snarl is the unsociable loner who generally leaves the thinking to the others, and Sludge is the mentally handicapped Dinobot who is extremely loyal to Grimlock. Thirdly, they wouldn't be an ancient order of knights who just happened to have beast modes that heavily resemble the dinosaurs.
Thus instead of that, since the original film has KSI creating drones based off of information garnered from Megatron's head, in this rewrite Blackrock Enterprises can be doing the same thing with Sentinel Prime's head as the main source, though some info will also be drawn from Starscream's. We'll come back to this later.
They can still be building drones for the military to fight against the Transformers if they ever pose a major threat, but they could also be focused on creating the drones to market towards the public to better the image of the Transformers. And their studies show that recently, the public has shown an increased interest in dinosaurs, so Blackrock sees this as an opportunity to create his own unique Transformers with alternate modes based on dinosaurs, hence the creation of five Dinobots as prototypes. This helps to give the Dinobots a proper backstory instead of a vague one we got in the film about them being knights, and also calls back to how the original Dinobots were created on Earth based on dinosaur fossils.
In one of the first scenes in the movie, we can see the Dinobots being demonstrated to investors by fighting off other drones that the company had created to show off their abilities. They can use newly developed energy cannons, they can have their own thermal swords that can cut through titanium, they can use flaming breath in their dinosaur modes; have fun with these guys and show off what they can do. This naturally has the investors excited, including Chumley who is here to see how Blackrock has done; Chumley can be revealed as the primary backer to the creation of the Dinobots, and we can have him share an exchange with Blackrock so that he can try using them to hunt down other Transformers in order to get more materials for Blackrock's research.
This is somewhat similar to the partnership between Attinger and Joyce in the original film, as well as the interactions between Chris Pratt and Vincent D'Onofrio in Jurassic World; only this time, Blackrock is more reluctant as the only Transformers left to hunt down are Autobots, who Blackrock knows were the good guys, hence why he's built the Dinobots and the other drones out of the remains of the Decepticons instead. Of course, Chumley wouldn't see that; as a soldier, he has a very "us or them" ideology. He dislikes all Transformers, and would rather have them all hunted down and displayed on his wall. Already we have some friction between the villain and deuteragonist, which also enforces the idea of trust and faith in those around you.
Getting back to the Dinobots, we can see them gaining some form of sentience throughout the film. Since they are still prototypes it's limited, hence why they talk in their traditional caveman manner of articulation. But through this, they gain the individual personalities that I brought up earlier. This can eventually lead to them breaking free from Blackrock, as they dislike any type of authority that they disagree with. The scientists have otherwise treated the Dinobots as brainless war machines, so it would make sense with how they would eventually escape and try to strike out on their own. As time goes on, the main threat of the film will show itself, which will force the Dinobots to team up with the Autobots so that they both can fight for their survival, eventually leading to the Dinobots begrudgingly joining the Autobots fully and seeing the value in protecting those weaker than them.
And I think that's where we'll cut it for now; I have an idea for who the villains are going to be (spoiler warning; it's not Galvatron), but I want to take more time in developing these ideas before I'm comfortable in writing them down.
But for now, I want to thank you guys for reading. If you enjoyed it, please be sure to leave a comment down below letting me know what you think. I'd also appreciate it if you share this on social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc), and make sure to follow me on Twitter; my handle is @MediaHood23. I post there at least a few times a week, and I regularly do polls for whenever I have writer's block. And if you feel generous, you can check out my YouTube page and consider subscribing to a virtually dead channel; that's "Media Hood Reviews" on YouTube.
But until next time; this is Callum Lewis, the Media Hood, signing off!
