Okay, this is where things start to get more personal for me.
When it comes to film adaptations of TV shows aimed primarily at children, I always try to stay open minded about some of the changes that the creators make with the medium transfer. Creative liberties and changes will always be expected if someone is going to take something that will otherwise have an entire season dedicated towards it and squeeze it into a 2-hour long flick. It's either that or the filmmakers create a different interpretation on the same concept.
For instance, think Transformers; the films may be have the same basic premise as the original cartoon, giant alien robots fighting each other and bringing their war to Earth, but it's how the films take the concept in a different direction that makes it stand out from its source material, while also incorporating parts of other Transformers lore that was expanded upon in other various shows. I will openly admit that the Transformers aren't the best example of this, as critical reception has been consistently low with each instalment in the film series, but you get the general idea.
Sadly, as is evident with films like Jem and the Holograms, Inspector Gadget, the Smurfs, G.I. Joe and Alvin and the Chipmunks, most of the people who make these movies don't seem to understand the source material, to the point where one questions whether or not they've even seen the shows that the films are based on. Each of these films suffer from the same issues; bad acting/casting choices, attention on childish humour, stories that make little to no sense and character alienation to the point where they are the characters in name only. Unless the creator was specifically involved and giving advise, any film based on a classic kids show is pretty much doomed to fail.
Which is where we now get back to the shit list. As a reminder, here are the clues from last time:
1. It is based on a popular children's show from the 60's.
2. It was released in the early-mid-2000's.
3. The story it is based on holds a strong spot with my childhood memories.
And so, let's get to it. Number 4 on the Shit List is:
The Thunderbirds... this one will hurt.
Released in 2004, this soaring pile of garbage was directed by Jonathan Frakes, known for playing Lieutenant Thomas Riker in Star Trek, and is obviously based on the 1960's "Supermarionation" series of the same name.
The show focused on the adventures of the Tracy family, who are otherwise known as International Rescue, an organisation dedicated to helping people across the globe from any threat, be it a natural disaster or a terrorist attack. To do this, they implement the use of their incredible machines, most notably the titular Thunderbirds 1-5, each with their own purpose and capabilities. The family consists mainly of former astronaut Jeff Tracy and his five sons; Scott, Virgil, John, Gordon and Alan. And yes, the pun is that his sons are named after other astronauts. Assisting them on their mission are Jeff's long time friend Kyrano, his daughter Tin Tin, stuttering scientist Brains, London Agent Lady Penelope and her badass butler Parker.
The show was created by children's entertainment mastermind Gerry Anderson, who sadly, along with his wife Sylvia, passed away a few years ago. The key inspiration was a mining disaster in West Germany in 1963, with Anderson asking the question "what if there were people who could arrive on the situation and save those people as quickly as possible?" And thus, in September of 1965, Thunderbirds hit UK TV and an entire legacy was born.
I, of course, sat through re-runs of the show in the 90's and it just simply stuck in my mind, mainly because of the bright visuals, fantastic puppet and model work and, of course, who could forget that classic opening?
Even as I grew older, I couldn't help but hold this show in high regards, to the point where I impulse purchased the remastered DVD boxset released by ITV. And watching it as an adult actually allowed me to appreciated the show even further with how it clearly didn't treat the children watching as imbeciles and the suspense and tension in each episode kept building, letting the viewers have a stronger appreciation of slow pacing and atmosphere...... and then the piece of shit movie came around!
So, you would think that the story would basically be about International Rescue going around in the Thunderbirds and saving people. But as soon as the admittedly cool opening credits are finished, you quickly realise what this film really is; an unnecessary prequel that breaks the continuity and chooses instead to focus on one person as opposed to the team! That person is a pre-Thunderbird 3 pilot Alan Tracy, a youngster who is apparently not ready to join International Res -- oh, I'm sorry, the THUNDERBIRDS, as the film can't make up it's mind on what they're called.
But one day, after Alan and his made up for the movie friend Fermat come back from school for Spring Break, the villainous Hood chooses now to begin his attack and launches a missile at Thunderbird 5, thus necessitating the entire team go and save John, who is stationed there. Quick question; why is EVERYONE going? Shouldn't at least one or two of them stay behind in case this was a diversion? Oh wait, then that would draw attention away from the egocentric brat and his self-centred attitude and we can't have that, can we?
Thus, the film basically becomes Spy-Kids part 5 as Alan, Fermat and Tin Tin try to find a way to stop the Hood from using the Thunderbirds (the vehicles, NOT the people) to rob the largest banks in the world and framing International Rescue in the process --
And see, that's one of the big problems with this film; who the fuck cares?! This movie tries to play up the villains plan as devious and monstrous, when it's just another "villain wants money" scheme that's been done a million times before and in much more interesting ways. Wanna know the scenario from the shows first episode?
A brand new plane with a nuclear reactor is triggered with a bomb that will go of the next time it lands, but if they stay in the air for too long, the passengers with be hit with radiation poisoning and die a slow, painful, horrible death. Thus, International Rescue try their absolute best to get the plane to land without triggering the bomb and killing millions of people in the process.
You see the difference here? THAT is interesting! It's full of suspense, tension, atmosphere and showcases the team as competent people with their minds focused solely on saving as many people as possible with as little collateral damage. But you don't get that with this movie with how they basically write most of the team out of it to focus on it's bastardised interpretation of Alan!
Oh yeah, let's talk about our lead; this is NOT Alan Tracy! Sure, in the original show Alan was kind of whiny and bit self-centred, but he wasn't this much of a liability. Alan in this film not only showcases that he would happily risk anything for the sake of his own inflated ego, but he also shows himself as a complete and utter fucking imbecile! He would always make the wrong move at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons. At one point, Tin Tin and Fermat suggest doing what Jeff says by waiting for Lady Penelope at the rendezvous point. What does he do? Ignores what they say while also insulting Fermat's carried over speech impediment from Brain's, resulting in his supposed friends getting captured and him giving up the guidance processor chip for Thunderbird 2 just to egg the Hood on! How am I supposed to care for this self-important twat if he is this fucking stupid and lazy?!
But back to a point that REALLY pissed me off; the fact that the Thunderbirds, the title characters of their own movie, are barely in the fucking thing! I'm not just talking about the machines, I'm talking about the people as well. They pretty spend the entire film stuck on Thunderbird 5 as they wait for their selfish baby brother to get off his lazy ass and save them, made even worse with how I can't tell any of the Tracy brothers apart! Say what you will about the relatively simplistic characters in the original series, but you could at least tell them apart! Helped that they were full grown men in the original, while these schmucks are just a bunch of teenagers! At one point in the film, one of them just says "Alan's a kid"; YOU GUYS ARE BARELY 17!!! They just treat the rest of the team as if they're nothing but pretty decoration, made to look like a generic boy band shoved off a mass production line and just given different shirts to were! These guys aren't International Rescue, they're frat boys trying too hard to be cool! They've literally been turned into a bunch of hipsters!
What's worse is that all of this is just to make Alan look more like the hero, which is a HORRIBLE thing to do if you're making a movie about a TEAM of heroes! NEVER make one hero look better than the others, as it will just result in everyone else being a superfluous addition to an already convoluted mess! Part of the appeal of the original series was the family dynamic between the 5 of them, each one having their own distinct personality and skills and working off of each other to come to best solution. The only exception was with John, who pretty much got relegated to just staying on Thunderbird 5, but that was because Gerry Anderson was not happy with how the puppet turned out and wanted as little of him in the show as possible. But even John in the original had more personality than whoever the fuck John is supposed to be!
The only positive thing I can say about this film is this; I kind of liked the redesigns for the Thunderbirds. Oh sure, they look fake as hell, but this isn't a bad aesthetic update to the vehicles. They have a more angled appearance than before and even have sleeker curves to them. And at they very least, the visual cues for each one in still in tact. Again, the C.G.I doesn't do them any justice with how fake it looks, but I can at least appreciate a decent update in design.
However, there is one thing that still baffles me to this day. For you see, this movie had a tie-in theme song... by Busted.
Wanna know the thing that baffles me? It's the fact that this song made by a band known for making atonal trash... is closer to the spirit of Thunderbirds than the movie that it's made for... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Now, to wrap up; this film is an utter insult to everything the franchise stood for! The storytelling, the characterisation, the effects, the tone, even the acting from greats like Ben Kingsley; ALL of it wasted on a film that pretty much spits not just on my childhood, but on the legacy of one of the greatest children's entertainers. Hell, Frakes pretty much admitted to having never heard of Thunderbirds before (which I call bullshit on as, remember, he was in Star Trek, a sci-fi series with similar elements to Thunderbirds) and Gerry was initially attached to the film before being booted off from it completely. Fuck this movie and everyone else who worked on it!
Overall rating: 1/10 (A Trainwreck).
So, next three clues:
1. It's a prequel.
2. It's a horror film.
3. It's based on an already shitty book.
Til next time, this is Callum Lewis, the Media Man... and Thunderbirds will ALWAYS be go!
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